Selfish

Sitting in the airport people watching is always a past time to enjoy while traveling. A few weeks ago I was lucky enough to experience this an hour here, another there. People are very peculiar indeed! Some carry flashy bags, others a briefcase, and many more hustle around stressed with their airport experience. Many conversations can be heard if one just takes a moment to listen. This family is going on vacation. That couple are headed to see family. Those teens are discussing the latest gossip. All relatively normal, but one thing struck me. One phenomena was in my face twice. "I am selfish" I heard two separate and very different people state this phrase as a fact and follow it up with comments implying that they are okay with that and not looking to change any time soon. 

Honestly, I've been there. The probability that I am less vocal and claiming of that feature is high, but nonetheless my selfishness has its times of unrelenting pride and far reaching effects. 

Remember that time I took the larger bowl of ice cream, left my hair in the shower on purpose, raced to get the warm shower first, or negated another's feelings for my own pleasure. Yeah, I recall, regretfully of course. 

I guess it's a good thing when I hear the self proclaimed selfish and have nothing but pity for them and hope they can find freedom from that in a deeper search for meaning in life. What about a relationship with Jesus? Have you experienced a love for you that makes you want to serve knee down in the dirt the very people who make you so frustrated? If not, I suggest you get to know the creator of the universe on a personal level and then re-examine your selfishness and see if its something you want to keep or not. 

Clearly, I'm guilty as all get out, it comes and goes in waves I'd say. Overall, however, I would like to claim props for working on it and attempting to temper my selfish side to put others first...and like it! 

Story of my life!

How many times do I get really over exaggerating? Often some of my friends would say. Rarely I tend to think as rarely do I tend to have a strong reaction or opinion. Therefore, when I do get animated it must throw people off. I was never the class clown. Heck, I was the nerdy tomboy who when not playing outside with the boys at recess was at home reading books. Maybe I was forced into book reading at too young of an age? A family expectation enforced upon me you might say. Whatever the cause the trend continued through high school and college. The book reading gradually dwindled as social events were always higher on the list. Do I read a book or go watch a movie with friends? Do I stay in or go hang out at Wal-mart? Is it more fun by myself or with a group of people who will dare me to take the saltine challenge (look it up)?
Clearly the latter on each account. This approach, neigh outlook on life, led me to develops some pretty good interpersonal skills I would say. Along with over active salivary glands, but we all lived;). Leadership. Isn't that just another way of saying you are that nerdy yet surprisingly good with people person who can get stuff done, yet keep people happy? I think that's part of it. Does one need to be given these opportunities to grow? Does one need others to see that potential or is a true leader out there to claim the title for themselves? In my personal life I can see where forced leadership on projects or in church youth group settings helped me learn I was capable. On the other hand applying for leadership positions as a college RA, or assuming the role of class entertainer in Grad school are self inflicted positions where you are not always liked, nor truly respected. Entertaining and performance is an art people! What made me do that? Mental boredom in part, a huge sense of team and family that I get within groups of peers. Why do I not have that freedom and creativity in the work place? Can true leadership, which I feel I possess, flourish under management that is a passionate and out for their own benefit. If I feel undervalued for my ideas and contributions will I want to co tribute to the 'team' or lack there-of? Is it possible in a world full of sinners and a room full of selfish people (myself included) to find that joy and passion at out and grow? Will I truly become the leader God has been teaching me to be if I stay, feeling stagnant? I want to say story of my life, but in reality it is a momentary blip in my life, in The Master's plans. I pray for wisdom, for direction, for freedom to express the joyous creative outgoing side that God gave me. May I feel free to be silent, free to be witty, free to crack jokes, and free to open up. Even when it's dangerous, even when it's scary. Set me free Lord Jesus. May that be the story of my life.

SIT

The first and most common command we teach our furry canine friends.  The direction given to most school age children full of energy waiting to be expelled on the playground.  The calm word spoken over me by my Heavenly Father as he patiently waits for my one thousand mile an hour self to wind down from a day, a week, a month, or what have you of fast paced life.  It took exactly three days this time along with a stubborn throat cold turned fever monster with body aches and nasty mucous to get me to finally, sit.  Here I am; sitting, contemplating, reading one of my new favorite authors Henri J.M. Nouwen, trying to understand the great mystery of how I am the beloved...how you are the beloved, and how I can better portray belovedness.  If that is even a word I am unsure, but one thing I know is that the concept is true, intact, wholesome, life.  His main point is that to embody the beloved one takes on four key components: taken, blessed, broken, given.  Taken = chosen.  Blessed = receive blessings.  Broken = how we all really are.  Given = embody the first three and you can truly give of self.  This is my second time through the book with equally as challenging thoughts arising.  I now read with a different, older, wiser...well maybe just more seasoned and humbled perspective.  I read with a new set of brokenness, a deeper understanding of being taken, and a great desire to be a blessed gift to another.  Isn't it funny that all I had to do was sit.  After days of laying, movie watching, and march madness all I had to do was turn off the live stream and be still.  Thank goodness march madness takes a break every couple of days and the netflix aren't all that great of movies anyway.  Let's hope I take this chance more often.  Maybe I need the continual reminder as does my four pawed shadow, don't jump, sit, good girl.

It is finished

I feel like this might be a close repeat of earlier feelings s/p grad school with board exam which happened just under three years ago. Alas, once again I sit with feel propped up, ice cream in my belly, and a smile on my face knowing I will not be taking a huge exam ever again! Yes, that statement came back to bite me in the butt once...may it not happen again.
We all have our coping strategies don't we? Some eat when stressed, others when sad, and then there are those who go shopping, running, driving, or go crazy in some other way. I, well, I tend to snap when stressed, don't eat a ton, but don't eat healthy either. I would love to run it out, but if my knee hurts then the weights are a good option to sweat it out. And what if it's rainy outside, well any distraction will do, but no way I want to verbally process that, no way...way too much work. Then, once stress has passed, the day is done, the test is turned in, the submit button hit...then, I reward myself with a bowl of ice cream, a glass of wine, a fast food meal, a nice dinner out, a visit with a friend, a text, a call.  Yes, I'd love to chat now.  Now you are safe for at least a few weeks as I walk around in stress free bliss. Intern lecture/lab tomorrow, no problem.  Resident mentoring switching up tomorrow as well, we got this. Want me to pick up some other erroneous responsibility, sure thing. I took a 7 hour allotted time test in 5 hours. God helped me through it, for sure, and it will be an act of God if I pass, yes, but we still done!
So here I sit, or outside in the hammock, or on the couch with Grey's Anatomy, or on a bike cause it's sunny and nice...and I'm looking forward to the rest of my week :)
Until next time