Brenham

Memorial Day 2012. A day of remembrance it is. A day of reflection on those who have served for our country. A thank you I do give to those valiant souls who have, who did, and who do fight for our country. This day for me is a day of reflection, not on war for country or city or state. No, I reflect on war of the soul. The war that wages in each of us. The war of our sinful nature and the redeemed life through Christ Jesus. Who is to say One or the other is more worthy of my reflections? Who is to judge whether my war and yours is more right, or would it be more wrong?  Nadie. No one. May God be the judge of all things. May He be the judge of me as I know His fierceness and anger is a part of a larger loving Father God who comforts me with His Spirit and sings over me with His love songs. He is the one who gave me today to reflect. He is the one who sits here with me on the dirt road, neigh rocky dirt road, as I listen to the insects for once drown out the far off sound of traffic.  
Here are my thoughts, brash as they may be, listen with earmuffs if you want something soft and pretty today for my soul is rough as a Brillo pad right now. My emotions as course as steel wool on an open wound. 
I'm tired. Id take 70.3 miles any day compared to a night time of fighting off the thoughts in my own mind. I'd rather run the desert marathon than have to fight my desires that are not yet to be born. 
I'm mad. Why am I called to a higher standard? Who volunteered to be a pioneer and accept a higher more difficult calling to live out practically one day, a day which is not here today. I can't recall raising my hand in a seminary school and saying yes to God to pound the crap out of me so that I may be refined and more solid in the end.  ...or did I?
Did I with all my prayers and yearnings to be used, to be wise, to be better and more able to serve Him, with these did I not ask for all those things? Maybe. Still mad, still tired, still stubborn and admitting its my own request is just a bit too humbling right now. 
Talk about humble. Lesson of the year. Never before have I been more humbled than to admit a sin to another sinner. At least God already knew, he has no preconceived notions, no way you can let him down or give him more power over you as he has all that and more from the get go, He knows all and still He loves me and wants the best of and for me. We both know that. 
I'm thankful. For the lessons, will be more thankful once they are learned and integrated in my life and actions, but thankful nonetheless. For my family and friends though they be far away and feel few and far between if only for the distance. I know they are plentiful and surrounding me with prayer and love. For legs to run and bike and swim and work and that carry me and exert energy when I know not what else to do with myself. For days that never seem to end and are full of sun and heat and the Lords small blessings. For prayer from others, from the heart, from the recesses of my being that get uttered when I have nothing left to give. For a God who accepts me when I have nothing left to give and appears to use my shell of a being in those exact moments when I have nothing left. Still amazed at this "my strength is made perfect in your weakness" bit that God talks about. But I'm thankful for it!
Yeah I guess that's my day in Brenham, my Memorial Day, coming to you from the rocky dirt road that dead ended with a shade tree and insects singing in the fence rows and the beautiful flowers that decorate the fields and...my Jesus who sits here beside me to just be.