New bras and underwear

I'm gonna have to admit that, yes, I enjoy the simple pleasures in life such as: first one to scoop out of the peanut butter jar, the smell of a clean bathroom, the glisten of sunshine off of snow (in my current state I compromise with it reflecting off a white car), and the feel of a pair of new undergarments against your skin. It doesn't matter the kind, whether socks, bras, or underwear; all new unmentionables are of equal greatness. Well, maybe new socks are my favorite, but then again a bra that fits just right, might be a twice in a lifetime experience. Why do I sit on my day off and ponder such subtle niceties of life? Good question. 

Well as mom was just here and that's what I received as my early birthday gift...and I am still enjoying the benefits of said articles of clothing...and I have time to sit in my camping chair out front and monitor neighborhood activities as well as consider many other mind stimulating topics...that's why. 

There is something to be said for enjoying things with all your senses. It makes me want to go out and buy new bras for all my friends just so we can be excited together. Weird and awkward as it may be, especially cause those are not just something to pick up on the fly (remember perfect fit is key), I know most of my friends could handle it. :) like sharing a word from your morning reading, sitting and sharing silence after a busy day, so is standing in the midst of a crowd and sharing the knowledge that you feel good on the underside. 

Maybe I should write commercials for Maidenform and Hanes Her Way. Or maybe I should just be in them and thereby accomplish one of my dream bucket list goals: be on the cover of a sporty magazine. I never did specify sport bra or regular, nor Runner's World or Fox and Hound (movie reference here, 12,000 points if you know it). 

I guess it all boils down to one important fact for the day. Maybe more of a word of encouragement. Follow your dreams, go to God first and He will lead you in line with his will, and take time to notice the little mini blessings he gives you throughout your crazy possibly busy, possibly not day. Me personally, I'm gonna go enjoy the blessing of Internet despite the frustration of AT&T and their billing cycles. No matter the fact that I must sit and sweat to enjoy the glistening sun, it is a huge blessing! :)

Movie referenced: Hugh Grant where he ends up dating the movie star from America and poses as a magazine reporter in order to get time to see her. ...ah romantic comedies, gotta love em!

Humbled

Completely and utterly humbled is my current state of being. Lord, you chose me? Jesus, why me? I am not worthy. I'm glad, but not worthy to be such a vessel for you. Was it necessary that I screw it up? Was the sin a known occurrence from the beginning and you knew I'd pull through? Did you look at Satan and say go ahead my girl's got this one in the end? I do not surmise as much, I can only hope you look upon me with as much confidence as you had in Job. I can only strive to be such a servant who loves you and follows you despite his world crumbling. I do not ask for it by no means. I do not wish for it by any measure. Hear me out on this one; all I say is "wow" thank you Lord for once again giving me a way out. Thank you for the door away from temptation, the passage way open to resist further evil. That's maybe why I feel so humbled. To hear another say that she is making choices for good, for God, for the truth because of my example; neigh, because of You living in and through me. To hear her broken hearted and relieved words that she is seeing the light after being so long clouded in darkness and despair, for this I sit dumbfounded that You would choose me. Humble. No other word describes it. Humbled. Present, past, and future. Humbling. Your plan, Your voice, Your child's declaration. 
Completely and utterly humbled. 100%. 

Brenham

Memorial Day 2012. A day of remembrance it is. A day of reflection on those who have served for our country. A thank you I do give to those valiant souls who have, who did, and who do fight for our country. This day for me is a day of reflection, not on war for country or city or state. No, I reflect on war of the soul. The war that wages in each of us. The war of our sinful nature and the redeemed life through Christ Jesus. Who is to say One or the other is more worthy of my reflections? Who is to judge whether my war and yours is more right, or would it be more wrong?  Nadie. No one. May God be the judge of all things. May He be the judge of me as I know His fierceness and anger is a part of a larger loving Father God who comforts me with His Spirit and sings over me with His love songs. He is the one who gave me today to reflect. He is the one who sits here with me on the dirt road, neigh rocky dirt road, as I listen to the insects for once drown out the far off sound of traffic.  
Here are my thoughts, brash as they may be, listen with earmuffs if you want something soft and pretty today for my soul is rough as a Brillo pad right now. My emotions as course as steel wool on an open wound. 
I'm tired. Id take 70.3 miles any day compared to a night time of fighting off the thoughts in my own mind. I'd rather run the desert marathon than have to fight my desires that are not yet to be born. 
I'm mad. Why am I called to a higher standard? Who volunteered to be a pioneer and accept a higher more difficult calling to live out practically one day, a day which is not here today. I can't recall raising my hand in a seminary school and saying yes to God to pound the crap out of me so that I may be refined and more solid in the end.  ...or did I?
Did I with all my prayers and yearnings to be used, to be wise, to be better and more able to serve Him, with these did I not ask for all those things? Maybe. Still mad, still tired, still stubborn and admitting its my own request is just a bit too humbling right now. 
Talk about humble. Lesson of the year. Never before have I been more humbled than to admit a sin to another sinner. At least God already knew, he has no preconceived notions, no way you can let him down or give him more power over you as he has all that and more from the get go, He knows all and still He loves me and wants the best of and for me. We both know that. 
I'm thankful. For the lessons, will be more thankful once they are learned and integrated in my life and actions, but thankful nonetheless. For my family and friends though they be far away and feel few and far between if only for the distance. I know they are plentiful and surrounding me with prayer and love. For legs to run and bike and swim and work and that carry me and exert energy when I know not what else to do with myself. For days that never seem to end and are full of sun and heat and the Lords small blessings. For prayer from others, from the heart, from the recesses of my being that get uttered when I have nothing left to give. For a God who accepts me when I have nothing left to give and appears to use my shell of a being in those exact moments when I have nothing left. Still amazed at this "my strength is made perfect in your weakness" bit that God talks about. But I'm thankful for it!
Yeah I guess that's my day in Brenham, my Memorial Day, coming to you from the rocky dirt road that dead ended with a shade tree and insects singing in the fence rows and the beautiful flowers that decorate the fields and...my Jesus who sits here beside me to just be. 

Waging War

Romans 7:14-25
We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin.  I do not understand what I do.  For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.  And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good.  As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me.  I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.  For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.  For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do -- this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.  So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me.  For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members.  What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death?  Thanks be to God -- through Jesus Christ our Lord! 

I couldn't have said it better myself Paul!  Man, how much do I beat myself up because of this sinful desire that resides within me!?  It seriously is a war raging...was reminded the other day through scripture to just stand.  God never gives us trials or temptations beyond what we can bear (1 Corinthians 10:13) and he will make a way so that we can stand up under it.  He doesn't tell us to run from it, though in some cases this is probably a good strategy...no, but instead he tells us to stand.  Again in Ephesians 6 with the armor of Christ, we are fitted with the armor to defend ourselves from the flaming arrows of the evil one.  We are fitted from head to foot and even given a sword.  Nothing to cover the backside though as we are not to turn and run at the first sign of danger, no we are warriors equipped to stand strong.  Equipped with Christ's strength, not our own.  We stand though shaking at the knees and chattering teeth because we know Him who is in us is stronger than him who is in the world.  I can stand because at the end of the day the Truth prevails.  The truth produces so much good fruit.  The sin is killed and done with through Christ Jesus and His act of death and resurrection.  My God is bigger.  My God is stronger.  My God is the I AM.

So, then I kept reading in Romans...funny how they split up the verses and chapters.  It gets better, Paul is able to give us that hope, the reminder of life and freedom in Christ.  I love the Therefore...I can hear Pastor back home leading the church as we all say together "What is the Therefore, there for?"  In this case I see it there for a great reason, a great statement that this sin stated above, this feeling of bondage and war is really not powerful over us as we have freedom, life, strength, and good within us if we have Christ Jesus as our Lord and Savior.  That is if we believe in Him and accept what He did for us, the fact that He made a way to take away our sin, He made a way for us to commune with the Father, God.  The fact that Jesus came, walked the earth, experienced temptation, stood up under it, gave his life so that my sin goes on Him...wierd concept, hard to explain in anything but the typical churchy terms...you gotta read the book, The Bible, explains it way better with lots of good anecdotes along the way...that's the Truth...in there we find life.


vs 25-8:2
So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.  Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death.


My prayer today is that someone, somewhere stumbles across this page and somehow God is able to use it for good.  For even though I do not feel good as this war continues to rage in me...i know the truth, sometimes it just takes a while to regain feeling in your legs from standing on them for so long...from being knocked down on your butt and having to get back up again.  As long as we learn right, as long as we yearn.

Processing

The point in question is how come the brain can move at lightening speed and yet it takes me minutes, hours, and sometimes days to get all my thoughts in order. I mean see below for the numbers to prove how fast the human brain processes information...or skip to the last sentence in quotes to be quickly amazed. 

      " There are several ways to answer the question about how fast the brain processes information.
       The best answer for this question can be obtained because we have good estimates for the three main variables that enter into it: how many neurons (brain cells) we have, how fast a neuron can fire, and how many cells it connects to. A human being has about 100 billion brain cells. Although different neurons fire at different speeds, as a rough estimate it is reasonable to estimate that a neuron can fire about once every 5 milliseconds, or about 200 times a second. The number of cells each neuron is connected to also varies, but as a rough estimate it is reasonable to say that each neuron connects to 1000 other neurons- so every time a neuron fires, about 1000 other neurons get information about that firing. If we multiply all this out we get 100 billion neurons X 200 firings per second X 1000 connections per firing = 20 million billion calculations per second."

Now, considering that why oh why does it take me so long to surf through the evidence, or lack thereof, when in conversation or debate? How come it is so easy for me to let the heart dictate what comes out of my mouth whether it is a good response or not?  For example: When questioned about the weather and I clearly don't know the answer I will tend to make 1 of 3 decisions. Response 1: I don't know. 2: looks like sunshine. 3: how about you look out the window and why are you asking me!?
Clearly answer 1&2 are pleasant, but 3 is what I want to say 88% of the time. 
Maybe, just maybe, my brain processes just fine, but my emotions and weaknesses and failures and hurts affect the process to such a degree that I need to wade through the filth, murk, even undue positive emotions to find the best most truthful answer. 
Maybe I am not perfect and neither is the other party. Maybe we all have a lot to learn and the 93% of communication that happens non-verbally is contributing to the show as well. Well, hey, whatever the reason thank the Lord for the gift of fast processing because with all the input it would be impossible to get through a day with all that junk floating around or lost in transition without it. 
I think the most appropriate prayer at this juncture is: Dear Lord: please help me to 

Beloved, faith, dead to sin, alive in Christ...
What have all these in common, neigh their relative sounding of religious jargon?  They were all striking deep cords within me as I read them off the page and screen today. What a better what to start the day than with these words?!   No matter if some of them cause a stirring inside that is almost repulsive as the one being stirred knows action and work is required to carry them forth.  No matter, no matter I say. Who cares if one feels like they have been tossed and turned inside out for the past 6ish months, if this child feels stripped to the barrenness of soul and wearied for all she is worth over a lesson, or 50 that need to be learned?  Honestly these strong feelings are just as such, but I have nothing to complain about at this moment. I truly feel lucky, a lightness of soul this morning, at this moment as I sit with these words ringing through my head: faith, beloved, Master, saved, strength, fed, clothed. Like I say, what more do I need? Nada!  What more do I yearn for besides a vacation to escape and be alone with Him in my thoughts? Can't say there is much more. So here I sit, content, thankful, changed and ever changing I pray as I discover more of Him, as I pray and arrive to be in His will. Challenged, yes, but better for it. Thank you Lord for pushing me. Thank you for providing this peace and rest when I need it. Cheers to another day!

From I to we

My thoughts I've been thinking...
I thought I had it all figured out. Without a doubt
The ebb and flow I was always on the go
Why waste my time with silly rhyme. With books and thoughts that appear to be for naught. 
What's the point I say. You say hey. I say nay. 
My values, beliefs, my concrete don't cheats. 
I guess they were there. They are here, but underneath man that was weak.
 What happens when your plans fall through?  
When what u want seems to come unglued?
I get mad. I get stubborn and sad. But you'll never see that, to show my hurt and weakness would be like an open back. 
So I push and fake it, hoping one day I can just make it. 
Then you come along, gentle yet suggesting quite strongly. I heard it once, I learned it twice, maybe even took it to heart with the time thrice. 
Ok ok I give. Your ways are higher. Your knowledge wiser. Your timing perfect. I learned I am one of many, unique and special; yet we are plenty. I am not on my own. We can count on your strength. You give us opportunity plenty to share these gifts as they are many. We have friends here and there and oh how blessed it is to share. 
Grateful our heart is , yes. 
We are truly truly blessed. 
The challenges and lessons we have yet to learn. These we give up to you and rest assured. 
Your promises they fail not. Your love it ends not. 
We walk in you and with you and for you alone. Thank you for making us one. 

staples

staples: webster has 4 different definitions for the word.  i'm going with numbers 3 and 4 as 1 is the noun which is the object made of metal; 2 is the verb.  3 says a commodity for which the demand is constant. 4 describes staple as something used, needed, or enjoyed constantly.  i guess i like 4 best.

what in my life do I use, need, or enjoy constantly?

food: i'd like to say rice and beans is my staple, but as proven last week, too much of a good thing is not a good thing in the end (or out the other end).  therefore, we shall go with ice cream...staple, yes.  needed, no, enjoyed constantly, yes.

exercise: i use it almost daily, needed for health of body, mind, and spirit: yes.  this is an interesting point...body mind spirit...

all interconnected, no part of me is able to be separated from the other because that's how God made us.  my being is one as the Father and Son and Holy Spirit are one and not able to be distinguished apart from the whole.  who am i and how am i to say i can make a decision with my mind about my body and it will not affect my spirit (soul, being, whichever word you choose to describe the inner deeper you)...?

who am i to try and make a decision about how i will use my body and allow it to be used in this world without consulting the Father, without taking it to the feet of the cross and seeking out His leading and guiding for my life?  Lord, help me take it to the cross, to your feet, to see your heart and desires for my life.  Father, lead and guide me and give me strength to use what i've been given to the best of my abilities, to be a great steward of your resources, yes even my own life. 

back to staples

apart from food and exercise...community
community: i need this, i thrive when this is good and centered around Christ.  i see how he created me to live amongst others, to encourage and support and run the race with others.  definitely a stable according to all parts of definition number 4.

what a great tie in for lifegroup on friday night...endurance, running the race together as we have stated we desire...to take into account our need for this community, our need for the staples in our life, and the interconnectedness of it all in and around us...oooo...this is going to be good.  come visit "life on the ranch" friday night for the complete story, i can't give it all away now in case someone reading would show up, consider this your preview...the introduction if you will.

until next time...what is your staple?