Without Words

"Preach the gospel at all times -- If necessary, use words."

-- Saint Francis of Assisi

words are so POWERFUL

How many times do I use them for my advantage?

Too often I use them when not necessary...when I'm tired and sore about this or that, opening my mouth to unload the dark and crusty edges that have chaffed of inside of me after a long day...after hearing the hurt and filth and dirt that infiltrates lives - at times innocent lives - at times not so innocent ones.


"It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt." -- George Eliot


Why is it so easy to unload the crap?


what if....

"For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks." - Luke 6:45

I was so excited about this good thing...this new life!
What if... 
What if I couldn't wait to see you at the end of the day to share that one thing that made me smile!  My day could not, would not be complete until I was able to tell you about the way I saw Jesus, the person I saw Jesus touch, or the way the ray of light shone just right off the buildings along the bayou to turn one questionably grungy view into one that took my attention away from the dull computer screen and indoor lighting. I do wonder...
                                                             Do you?
                                                                                               Or is it just me?

God, may I wake up and walk through my day with this inexpressible joy...inexpressible to others maybe because there is no way I could communicate through words the love I feel from you or the joy I get knowing you think of me beyond my wildest dreams.  May my walking in this knowledge be evident to others and may they understand, though I cannot express it, why I stroll the way I do.. may you be so obvious in and through me that someone, just one (or two, or millions) would come to know you as a result.  To share in this feeling of knowing and being known...a deep intimate bond that seems ludicrous to those who have not experienced it...make yourself known Lord.

 "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express." - Romans 8:26


 

My family

I love my family- I really do. Some people, ok a lot of people, ask me if I miss them and think I'll move back home. Well, yes I miss them, but no I don't think I'll move back home. I am home wherever I am. It is not always easy. It is not always my ideal. Would I prefer to have the traffic and nasty air filters of the big sprawling city or would I enjoy driving along a winding road to watch my cousin play in her tennis match or soccer game? Heck yeah the latter, but family is not my calling at this juncture in my life, not who needs to be served and reached right now for the furthering of the kingdom of God. I believe I am right where God would have me. I think I am following Him daily as best I can (yes I mess it up sometimes, who doesn't!?). 
I have taped to my bathroom mirror a verse: "If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters--yes, even his own life--he cannot be my disciple." Luke 14:26
I heard a great sermon on this once. As it is so very harsh and brash to hear, especially if u do love your family. Believe me, God and Jesus does not contradict himself because the Bible also surely does say to respect and love and care for your parents and family. But the meaning behind this verse that I like as it was explained to me is this: it will appear to those in the world, to those on the outside, to others, that you hate your family...not because you do, but because you may be called to leave them to go follow Christ. 
I am okay with that. Some days are easier than others. Sometimes you will miss them, He didn't say it would be easy to follow Him all the time. Sometimes you will be blessed by a visit, a note, a phone call, a txt message or picture (gotta love technological advances that are a little more recent than Bible times). Pretty sure Jesus didn't text, but he did drink wine, well that's another box of worms debate;)
All I'm saying at the end of the day is that I truly do love my family; sometimes it might not appear that way. We are not perfect, in fact we are far from it, well, guess what, we are human: saved by God's free grace that over flows and makes restitute for a variety of things. 
Can I get an amen!?!

Maybe I just need a nap...

I lay here in my hammock on this Sunday afternoon with Jamey Johnson's "In Color" playing for the second time (shout out to my new friend Shaft - name unchanged until we come up with one more fitting, but I will say the contradiction of a country music loving white guy named Shaft for his black SUV does make it want to stick). Country music, back to my roots. I picture me in the back of Dad's pick-up truck on a Saturday afternoon driving back to the shed with the twang blaring on the radio. What is it about country music that we love? Maybe it's the unashamed honesty of the words, the sappy love songs told in different words and with varying chords, but at the end the guy always get the girl because of his truck or tractor or dog...or he loses her, but he's happy anyway cause he still has his truck, and tractor...and dog. Either way, driving through the winding country roads always makes me want to listen to it, the predictable words are a comfort that I can belt out with the best of 'em with the windows rolled down...have to have the windows rolled down.
Why am I so sappy today, so sentimental? I'm gonna blame it on the twenty-something hormones I got coursing through my veins, the fact that next week marks the start of my late twenties. I like it, the pathway to "thirty, flirty, and thriving" as quoted from a great teen girl movie, which you would know if you were movie savvy; therefore, look it up if you don't know off the top of your head.
Man, 27, I think it will be a good year. I liked 26, lots of learning and phasing out the changing. New era in life: a young professional in the working world in a relatively new state with new friends, roommates, co-workers, church family, dog, house, bed. Thank goodness I finally got a bed to sleep in as opposed to random other people's beds and futons (well, so I still have yet to buy a bed, but this one I claim as my own in my own room). It was a year of me learning and growing into this "doctor" role that I play during the week and balancing that with this "active young adult in a large city with endless opportunities to mix and mingle" role that I like to assume on the weekends. I like to think I have learned how to juggle work with social events and leave enough room for quiet reflection, Jesus time, and sleep, though sleep does still suffer a bit in the name of fellowship and roommate bonding.
Friendships, relationships, weddings...so much revolves around these things at this stage in life...maybe I am just more aware of these things at this stage in life. Maybe it's just the fact that I have three weddings to attend in 35 days (one to read in, one to bake for, and one to be a guest at), maybe it's the fact that our house has been changing as one of those weddings is to celebrate the union of one of my roommates and her betrothed.

Caveat: if any of you wonderful people who are getting married or are thinking about it, or are married and read this blog. Please be aware that I love you dearly and am so excited for this stage in your life and I have nothing against you and am very happy for you and pray that God blesses you in your marriage and that special relationship. End Caveat.

Maybe I'm just young and frisky as our pastor stated this morning in church. I'm not very happy about this shortened life expectancy thing that I have going on right now as a result of my singleness, just saying. Either way, no matter the reason this blog like a few of the recent past is going to turn toward the relationship and marriage issue. I wasn't even planning on it, but that's what God's working on in my life, so guess what!? That's what you get to hear about, or not if you stop reading.

If you're still here then get this: I'm sitting in church, minding my own business, holding Baby (not mine), singing worship songs, belting out the melody with the best of em and then it's time for the message. Bam!
Are You With Me? - The title of the sermon.
Jesus speaking to His disciples, inevitably to me though...
Mark 3:13-15 Jesus called his disciples to him and they came and he wanted them with him that he might send them out to preach, etc.
Point 1 - A Mutual Relationship - John 15:4 Remain in me and I will remain in you...
This is a dynamic, living, close, personal relationship with Jesus and he asks...Are you with Me?
Point 2 - What does it look like - John 15:5 If a man remains in me and I in him he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.
Life can be demanding and crazy, but my peace comes from being in Him and letting Him take control.
Point 3 - Remember the Words - John 15:7 If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you.
That's it, this is where my eyes tear up and I start to ask, "God, am I in You" I thought I was, am I holding anything back? Do I need to drag myself back to the altar of sacrifice? I want to be in you and you in me. I have asked, I am tired of asking...You know, do I really need to bring it up all the time, like picking a scab off a wound to make it fresh and painful day after day?
One person says be content, another says pray more. They say when you least expect it...trust me I'm starting to expect nothing, but not really... deep down I hope, but can't let that show or hope too much because then the rejection comes, not even flat out rejection, but the rejection of nothing. Now I know what God says when He means you doing nothing is as bad as you doing something bad because you did not do good. Doesn't make sense, but I know there's something like that with knowing the good you ought to do, but doing nothing....anyway.
Do I pray for it to happen soon? What if that's not God's will, but I asked for it and he will give me what I ask for and it's not the best or the guys not ready or so on and so forth. I guess this is where faith comes in and where God wanting the best for His children comes in....so I can ask and I can ask for it soon and I can be specific and picky and choosy and all that and God can say no today, and the next, and the next...and when the time is right he will say yes...but I still don't want to have to ask every day...that's a lot of asking.
Makes me want to take a nap...
Can't I just be at home in His love
Point 4 - Life Giving Love - John 15:9 Now remain in my love
I'll take that...I'll sit and nap in that...
I'm with you, Jesus.
And I'm going to play In Color for the 3rd time and be okay with the fact that I get teary when the grandpa tells the story of seeing the red rose contrast the blue eyes of his bride in this black and white photo...and then I'm gonna take a nap.

When life makes sense to me...

When life makes sense to me:
I go through my daily routine, granted each day of the week has some variation such as Tuesday off, thurs spin class, Friday fun day, Sunday church and unknown fellowship with awesome brothers in Christ,  but rarely do I take the time to consider the world I function in. My world is unique; my worldview is my own. Granted, my view is influenced by past experience, lessons taught and learned, and some not learned so well. Nonetheless my eyeglasses are tinted Dori color. I see baby blue skies and white sweeping clouds over a lake of crystal water with fish causing ripples as a tranquil inviting thing whereas you might see it as boring. My world seems in order when I am the minority, no, when I and everyone around me is the minority. Is that why my neighborhood just fits?
I love the smell of corn! Not from a can, the corn growing in the field and being ripened by the summer sun...that makes sense to me.  
Old people running down the road in their reflective orange vest so as to avoid moto vs pedestrian accident...this makes sense to me. 
My family and good friends all in the same state sharing a meal together at the table with kids and dogs running underfoot while the sun shines down causing sweat to bead on our brows...that's how it's supposed to be. 
Laying in bed with my three best friends eating pizza and brownie volcanos and playing a board game on a Saturday night in the downtown area...again, makes perfect sense. 
As we all know I am not a high maintenance girl by any sense of the word, but having my legs shaved, dress and heels ready for some event which will result in a fun night of dancing with my friends...sensible to say the least. 
I guess it's not so much of a life thing as it is a God who gives all these good things in life thing...what I mean to say is...life makes sense to me when I and others are so in tune with the Spirit, so in step with the Father that the only correct path is the one taken. The sun and daylight illuminate and contribute to the beauty of the dance as it unfolds. The Son is so alive and shining through that nothing is able to dull the senses and cause a doubt to enter the mind concerning if this is what life is about or not!  My God is good and generous and he does not leave in the hard times, no he carries and sets us back on our feet when we are able to feel our legs again. He may be hard to hear at times, but what station do I have blaring in my ears competing for his directives?   What outside source might be waving in my face clouding my judgement of how close He really is?  What time constraints have I placed on myself limiting my devotion to Him. 
May I clear out the white noise, push back the hand in my face, and make quiet unequivocal time with my Father, my Savior daily so that I may be able say daily that this life I live in the Spirit... This makes sense to me. 

This is me.

This is me.

This is me, why can't you see.
I'm an independent lady who don't rely on man to make the gravy.
Some say I can be intimidating...
what just cause I technically can be referred to as Dr., I have competed in a collegiate sport, I own my house, support my home, and in all ways appear to be grown.
Yeah, I guess it could be misconstrued that I take credit for such accomplishments, let's be honest it's God who did all that.
My travels over sea and land to lend an ear, a word, a hand.
Wouldn't you speak in Spanish if your heart was there,
if you had learned, yet fear,
the mighty acts of God and have a spot for those in need,
why can't you see
this is me.

This is me
the one who loves to run and jump and play,
and swim and bike and hike and fly
Oh if I could fly up in the sky away from eye and ear, above all in the crystal clear
away from the heartache, the judgement, the putting on of shows
all these worldly woes
My God I know you see, for you created me.
You see me as I am.
You made me to love the sun and sweat all day.
My skin gets dark of this I say
thank you for my carefree spirit
i love to dance and sing and who cares if they hear it!
My style, my ways, each one of my days
you created them all.

this is me
don't you see
I'm smart, funny, sarcastic with wit
I'm sporty and nicknamed shorty
by friends who adore me.
The guys - I don't get it
they don't seem to be with it.
I have all these great qualities.

what, is it because I wear cut-off sleeves?
Is my athleticism too much?
am I speaking in Dutch?
Do I come off too strong
by mind, body, or song?
Can't you keep up, let's swim around for miles and bike the trails along the bayou. I'll run if you prefer, basketball, soccer, just say the word.
We'll play hard all day and end with a date.
You pick me up, in your truck.
By the way,
did I say you must meet certain standards...
if I beat you in sport, well let's cut the date short.
You can't figure out how to change a tire?! Come on a girl's got standards!
If I can beat you at games,
show you up, man that's lame.
Be my man
Take my hand
Make the choice
He'll give you your voice.
If you follow His lead
we'll follow Him anywhere
Be it morroco or spain, or somewhere with rain
Be my man,
take my hand,
make the call,
I will fall.

I'll fall hard
my soft side you'll see
the princess inside of me I'll be glad to share
might even do my hair.

Again, this is me
why can't you see
I like short hair and t-shirts.
I go by PT, I got my degree.
My past time is fitness - I have many a witness
I like to drink beer and cheer for my team.
My cooking is little, creativity grand.
I can mow the lawn and caulk the sink.
If you can take all that and still see me.
If you can look underneath the outside appearance you will see that inside I'm still a woman.
I like to go out with make-up in dresses and heels,
Well, like is relative
tolerate is imperative to this narrative
let's be honest...I can and I will
and I do it with skill.
I want to be sexy at times, not so cute.
Want me, desire me, dance just to be near me.
Here I am,
Take my hand,
Be my man.
I know you can see
This is me.

Seeing the stars

Every morning Trilly and I go for our mile walk around the community. It started as a time dedicated to God, a time for me to be still in spirit; yet, I could be a good pet owner and allow the young bitch to expend some energy each day. After lent ended the strolls continued. I mean who could take away a bone from the cutesy starving dog ever, just like who can say no to that enthusiasm that greets me daily at the sound of my alarm. None, no-one, nadie.
Lately though, my mind is on 100,000 different things and my eyes are tired or my body is moving so slow I wonder if we will make it back before dawn, which is crazy seeing as that's another hour and some change away at that point.
I don't like it. The full mind syndrome. I would love to, I need to, I want to be at the place where I'm walking along so in tune with God that there is nothing detestable filling my mind, no shameful or needless thought inhabiting my brain space. Work, dedication, the ability to say no, to take control so that my desires become reality.
Baby steps this I know. I started by taking some time to look At the stars. Just a moment to be reminded of how small I am, how amazingly cool God is and how I would love to save those stars that I saw in the dark nights in California and Indiana and alaska...those same ones, though they appear brightest in Tanzania. It's the small moments, its the few stars ww see...these reminders that I am minescule and yet a princess. I am small and yet a great warrior for the king, one sent out to represent His name... Oh yes this is what I hear when I look at the stars. Thank you Jesus for opening my heart, for allowing me to feel, for getting me through it all . I love you!

Anticipation

Lots of people ask me what i do on my day off...
Hard question to answer, but most of the time I reply with run errands, work on the house, in the yard, and take care of stuff.
Today is my day off...I ran errands, well the ones I wanted to, and I still have one thing to get. I mowed the yard, which lets be honest doesn't take too long when only 19% of it is growing (why is that btw? when this one part is not a watering area and yet it is the lushest and nicest grass in my yard). I payed my bills that are going to be due when I'm off saving the world. I took the dog for a walk. I read a bit. I caught up on facebook. And it is barely 1pm.
I guess a nap would be in order to refresh and recharge for a workout later. Maybe I'll watch a movie and there you have it, my day off. Seems so long and yet so short. I love the quiet in the house right now, but I feel like I would rather be out doing something, anything so I don't have to think of the next thing, or the next day at work, or the next trip planned. That's really it; I am anticipating the next thing. I need to be still and enjoy this thing, this day, this time of rest...especially since I will not be privy to much time of rest and solitude for the next ooo 2+ weeks. All good things to be involved in: trip to central America with medical mission team, trip to NY for a quick weekend family reunion/grandma's birthday celebration, work in between and after involving me being responsible for a student and her acquiring OP orthopedic PT knowledge.
Oooo...tired thinking about it, tired typing it out. Time to take that nap I spose...maybe the bike ride shall be in solitude as well with stops to listen for God's voice. I realize He can talk to me anywhere, but I like to think he prefers to hang out amidst nature and trees and sweat and dirt...especially sweat and dirt.

Can I still be a mirror with a broken heart?

This morning I journaled to God about being a mirror. Last week's sermon was about prayer and what we need to be doing in our lives and how we are living for Him. I took away the phrase "Be a Mirror." To me that means reflect Christ in everything, at every moment, in every activity, conversation, and thought.
Am I showing others Christ or me?
Sounds all well and good until a wrench is thrown in the system and you no longer have the bright outlook that the sunrise brings and you are left with a heavy heart and a lump in your throat and are hurting so much for someone you love because they hurt and what do you do? Is it being a mirror if you display sorrow? What if you are the one broken and hurting? Do you show Christ in that?
Christ hurt.
Christ had a broken heart for His children, for you, for me, for them.
Christ had times of sorrow, extreme anguish (praying and sweating like blood being poured out because it was such an intense and fervent time with God), and joy.
Christ smiled, played with children, showed love, peace, and tears.
So yeah, Christ is showed there. Christ is reflected in my sad heart. Christ knows and good thing cause he is the only one that can comfort and restore and heal. My God is bigger than jobs and families and trips and illness and...well...everything.
Doesn't make it easy. Doesn't make us not wonder and question. Be real. How can you reflect if you are covering something up, if you are hiding part of you, if you are turned away from the light...
Be a mirror.
In every way shape and form.
Cry, laugh, play, draw in dirt, teach, listen, love...above all love.

A thousand words

A picture is worth a thousand words; therefore, I wish I had the energy/gumption to go take a picture of the brown dirt spot inhabiting the location of the now demolished palm bush. But, since I am comfortably lounging on my ginourmous bed with my cute little dog sleepily keeping me company you will instead have to take my word that it is just that...a brown patch of dirt, very dry dirt.

With that said, now I have the freedom to let my thoughts float away and hopefully through my fingers to be transcribed onto the page in front of me.

I am called to a higher standard of living, a higher standard than the average Joe walking down the streets of this world.
Why?
Because I claim to be a child of Jesus Christ, a Princess living under the watch of her Heavenly King. With that claim and the claim that Jesus has on my heart and life comes a great responsibility. Do I always enjoy this higher calling? Do I always love the fact that I must consider not what I want to do, but instead what I know to be the right or "Christ-like", if you will, thing to do? Am I always serious and never sarcastic?
The obvious answer if you know me at all...NO.
I am very much a headstrong and independent to a fault Princess of my Great King. Take today for instance:
Scenario: Riding in Flash, chatting with my good friend about how I do not feel like having dinner with this guy because as of the last time I hung out with him I made up my mind that we are not on the same page religiously, therefore, unattractive to a point and therefore my time on my day off I would rather chill. She proceeds to remind me that even though I feel this way I cannot just blow him off from now on, but maybe I should explain why in a humble "Christlike" way why it does not appear that it would work between us. To explain why I all of a sudden consider him my "buddy".
But, it's my day off, I am not feeling like it...but she is right. I am called to a higher standard and b/c he is not called to that standard it is not his job to broach the subject, but mine. If for no other reason than to not give him an excuse to turn away from God or to put a girl's (who calls herself Christian)actions in any way in between him and Salvation.
OK. Only because I am convicted she speaks truth in this and gives me good talking points and ideas of how to present it in a light of we both have things probably not looking for in the other, I do it. I am feeling good about it, the conversation has not fully happened yet, to be continued at dinner tonight, but I'm feeling good about this. God, I pray you give me the words. Please lead my heart to be only caring and open to love with your love and to be your messenger. Please lead and guide me to a new level of understanding how you feel and how you want to show this man that you care and that you have created him to one day allow you into his life.

I want to take this opportunity to thank God for giving me the ability to almost...logically, bad word...calmly...collectedly...peacefully...confidently...contentedly, yes contentedly approach the matter of annulling a chance at a boyfriend. A chance at being not completely single. In the past, even if I know deep down it's not right, or he's not the one, then I would keep him there to talk to, to hang out with...to be "friends, but there's the option of more". But now, God has graciously, for it is not by any measure of my doing, given me a content place to be right now. I am happy where I am, the opportunities at serving him, the time I have open to go here or there or meet with them or her, to contribute to this cause or that, to be His servant at this time, in this way...to be okay with being single and living life. For all that, thank you Jesus. I have not been at this level of that feeling that I can recall and I want to recognize and thank God for that. As I said, not my usual, not my past experience, not my normal;) It's nice, I pray it stays, though I know it will not and cannot or I will remain stagnant.

Stagnant is a nasty word.
It reminds me of the water standing in the mud bucket of the piece of bush (not palm bush, but another) that I am trying to save for my friend...though I fear it is not going to make it living in said mud bucket...might already be dead...my thumb is not green, but multi-colored.
How do you have a multi-colored thumb?
Easy, you are good a lots of things, but not necessarily keeping plants alive.
I like to paint and craft and chop and lift and cut and nail and dig and stain and sand and create, not necessarily in that order. That makes you a multi-colored thumb!

Have I typed out a thousand words yet to make up for the lack of pictures this week? ;) Yes, they say...okay
over and out

Palm bushes must die

Today, I hacked, literally, hacked with a hatchet, until the monster palm "pineapple" bush was taken down. It took probably over an hour on Sunday to cut the branches, attempt to dig, and finally give up until a great friend, one who has been there before gave me the inside scoop on how to attack the beast with results. So, I rummaged through her garage, with permission of course, found the said hatchet and stump killer, and went to hacking and chopping and sweating until I conquered the giant. May not seem that impressive on the outside, maybe not even so impressive with the pictures you see here, but when you are the one with blistered hands, tired arms, and dirt spattering your person it is a great accomplishment to see it to completion. I have always been one to thrive on manual labor...to have days filled with minimal thought and maximal physical exertion. I enjoy sweating. I don't glisten, I don't perspire, I sweat. Yay for the man who will one day find that slightly attractive;)
In all that I am happy. My arms are lethargic, my hands having trouble maintaining limberness to tap out the keys on the keyboard, my back even feeling like it had a bit of a workout...but my brain is clearing. The funk acquired by working 10 hour days in the midst of death and dying and healing, though it's harder to rejoice in the healing when next to you is sadness, when the faces of daughters and sons and mothers are red from tears and strained from emotional distress...when the chaplain is on the unit, usually not a good time...
God, thanks for being there to comfort the daughter and son and mother. To be with the dying as they struggle to make sense of where they are and why people dressed in all one color come in and make them do hard tasks and don't give them water, when all they want is clear water, not Ensure, just water and good tasting food.
God, thanks for the mother with a sore hip who is sitting and standing and eating, even though it's not home cooking. Thanks for workers who love and sweat alongside those who are hurting and those who are healing.
Do you sweat alongside while we struggle to chop through the thickness of life? Do you feel at times you are working so hard to break through to me or to cut sin out of my life that your hands are red from trying and your back feeling the weight of it all? Yeah, I think you do, but in a "I'm God and can handle it" way. I think you are there if nothing else but sitting with me as I chop and pointing me to sweet spot that will allow the trunk of the huge pineapple like palm bush tree thing to be felled.
Which brings us to the ever famous "If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound?" Yes, okay, it does. God knows, God hears.
God cares. God gives, God allows us to struggle and hack and chop and refine ourselves and our thoughts and He rejuvenates us when we need a drink of cold water or a break from the emotional fog with a day of hard labor.
Thank you God for ginormous palm bushes.

Sunday:

Tuesday

Riding Solo

Riding Solo: popular phrase thanks to a rap song sung by...? but it's playing through my head right now....
Why is this playing through my head you might ask? Great question! Let me explain. Please bear with me cause the roller coaster of thoughts and feelings I must wade through to complete the illustration at hand are many.
Where to begin?
Solo
Single
Alone
One
Me

Riding
Bike
Beautiful day
people outside
Parks
Dogs
Couples
Singles
Games
Me on Bike
Alone
Just me on my bike
Just me and my thoughts on my bike
Just me and my tired legs and my thoughts on my bike...riding alone
Solo

Get the connection?
Alright, well I do not want to bore you with the details, I think the word association pretty much explains it...and if not then you have never been a single 26 year old female living in a city surrounded by people, yet feeling alone. Sorry to those of you who married young and/or always had a significant other, you can't get it. You can't meet me here in this place. Sorry, it's blunt, but it's the truth. And I hate to say it, but maybe no one can totally associate with me because I'm unique, individualized with my life experiences and my current situation and place in this world as we all are and therefore feeling even more alone. Is it a bad thing? No. It's just how I feel.
Being the ever optimist and a princess beloved by my King I can also tell you there are way perks to being where I'm at. Perk #1: I can help my sisters who are struggling in this area (though I cannot fully identify with them because we are different I can commiserate and listen and be, just be, cry, I also am getting better at crying and just being and crying over the phone...thanks B for being that for me) Perk #2: I now know how to and how often to change the air filter for the air conditioner...who knew every 3 months! crazy! as well as I can be an encouragement for other single ladies looking into buying a house and commiserate again on the "it's not the way I pictured I'd do this, but what do you do" feeling. Perk #3: If I want to go ride my bike, I go. I swim, I play futbol, I meet someone spontaneously or not so spontaneously for dinner or coffee or ice cream.
The trick is to keep the positives in perspective when the devil tries to fill my head with aloneness lies b/c at the end of the day and at the end of my thoughts I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that Jesus is enough. Jesus Christ can fill me up more than any person ever could. He listens and is and leads and strengthens and brightens my day and blesses me in the hard times so that I can get stronger still and work on my weaknesses and remember who I am and where I've been called and how he is using me even now, broken and messed up as I am, as we all are, solo or not.
O Lord, use me, heal me, help me see past my logs and short sightedness, make me new and clean and strong...help me be vulnerable when I need to be and protected when I need to be.
God, almighty Father, Orchestrator of my days, i bow in reverence, I lay prostrate as I have nothing left...I don't want to do it on my own...I can't. Lift me up when its time to scrape me off the floor. Put your light in my eyes and your thoughts in my head. Lead my steps as well as my thoughts.
Jesus be with me. I know that I am not alone. I am not riding solo because this beloved princess is protected by the King with all His angels surrounding. What an awesome sight to see I'm sure:)
In Jesus Name
En el Nombre de Jesus
amen

Painful awakening

You know you've become a working professional when...
...words like productivity and show rates become a part of your daily speech.
...coffee actually tastes good.
...TGIF is no longer referring to a tv series night, but how you feel one day a week.
...you recognize cars on your way to work and start naming them, acting like they are your travel buddies. "Do you have your travel buddy?!?"
...people pull you aside at events to ask you questions about body parts.
...conferences, work related, excited you beyond belief.
...your desk becomes not only a place of organized chaos, but a welcome respite and something you are very possessive over.
...you grunt and your co-workers know exactly what you were thinking.
Thee list goes on, but that's all that jumps to mind at the time.

Other random thoughts.
Why is there traffic at 10:55 pm? Who and why is out on the roads at this hour, you should be asleep or home people! Really?!?

Some people can survive and actually appear lucid and pleasant off of 6 hrs of sleep a night...why am I not one of those people? Is this something you adapt to our of forced sleepless nights like when you have kids, cause right now me functioning off of less than 7 hrs for more than a weeks is scary.

Sleep deprivation is kinda like intoxication...increased dancing, decreased filter, and lots of laughing.

Women's night: Great, helpful, rejuvenating; yet, draining. Emotion costs energy. Always, great sleep comes after a hard cry. So much excitement, so much to look forward to...
...so much to confess and ask for forgiveness from God, from others. So many beautiful women in our church family. Thank you for allowing us to share the wisdom, to share the experiences and struggles. Thank you for vulnerability, for that one or two people who you can let see it all and it is safe. Thank you Lord for always being safe. Thank you for safe places and women when so much of the day is not safe.

I pray for these women. I ask Lord your hand of mercy, grace, peace, comfort, strength. Good thing you have big hands. You formed the moon. You "measured the waters in the hollow of your hand" Isaiah 40:12. You "tend the flock like a shepherd; You gather the lambs in your arms." vs11. Gather Veronica to you as work is crazy and change is coming though we don't know when. Hold L as she beats her fists on your chest and cries out in pain, despair, sadness, joy, questioning, searching, shame, longing, desire. Catch me and be my soft bed to land in as I run until I can physically run no more. I am tired, weary...
Isaiah 40: 27
Why do you say, O Kelly and complain O Trudy, "My way is hidden from the Lord; my cause is disregarded by my God"? Do you know know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.
...weary has a new meaning, a different meaning for me tonight. I am weary of waiting, a longing heart is a hard thing to sustain. May my longing be of you O Lord, may my desires find respite in you. May I awake in the morning after a good hard sleep only to find David was right, "When I awake, you are with me"

While I was biking

I didn't make it to church today. I do not like not making it to church on Sundays. I rather enjoy the time spent in corporate worship, especially at my church full of multi-cultural-ness, people who are so in tune with their Savior that His light practically shines from their faces and you can feel His touch in their embrace. I love my church, my community, the openness, the fact that after a service you can leave, stand around talking for 30 min (which is my norm and I love it), pray for others or receive prayer, and get a group together to grab some local cuisine. So, I missed that this morning, but as I was on my long bike ride pumping my legs to release some pent up energy and aggression I was thinking, call it praying if you will, but I will say sometimes it seems to be one in the same; if I'm in my head and God is in my head (and heart) then my thinking and praying overlap a lot. Anyways, I was prayinking (new word), "God, what would you have me learn? What are you trying to teach me? It's hard, I'm emotionally drained, why? What are you saying?" Then I thayed *thought/prayed* maybe it's not about me...maybe I should be asking instead, "God, what can I learn about you? What new aspect of you is being revealed?"
I then thought to the story told by my friend at Life Group last week about how she was out in nature, the wind was strong and she heard God tell her that sometimes He just likes to blow. Because he can. Because He is God. Because He created these things and maybe, just maybe it's not all complex and intricate and he just wants to.
So, I'm thinking...maybe you just want to ride bike with me. You just want to sweat and live and be tired and be my BIG PAPA GOD who comforts me when I'm emotionally drained b/c you can and you will. I'm okay with that. I'm thankful for that. Maybe you just want me to see you for who and what you are at this moment...you became all things to all people...you became man, you became like me...why? I will never know you, God, would want to come to this earth from Heaven.
I guess that's why it's so special and we know you love us so much and we mean so much to you that you wanted to send your Son to walk with us, experience the doll drum of human life, the struggles with single-ness, the labor to survive (Granted carpentry and PT looks a bit different then and now, but gotta go to work, bake the dough, fetch the water, and feed the dog), the sore muscles, the tired eyes, the alone time, the festival time, the daily grind time. Thanks God for coming to Earth so I can identify with you, so you can identify with me.
Thanks for blowing.

The Rain Clouds Have Cleared

Let's be honest, I can in no way have my blog background as rainy days unless that's how I'm feeling when I write that particular post. So, this is more my style...sunshine, blue skies, green fields, B-E-A-UT-I-FUL! :)
I am feeling happier inside as well. We have a time set aside for the Original Four to congregate in a place unbeknownst to any of us to date, but a glorious place it will be wherever we meet.
I'm thinking our top five options are: In No particular order...
1. Hawaii, I hear it's nice this time of year
2. The Naomi House for Recovering Prostitutes
3. The Back woods of Tennessee
4. Puerto Rico - Ling Ling I'll fill you in on why it'd be a...worthwhile...place for us to visit with Chi-town and Ping-pongs accompaniment of course
5. Maine, I've never been and it's kinda opposite extreme of Hawaii:)
cast your votes my ladies!

Biblical thought of the day...
Elijah, taken here and there by the Spirit...kinda like time traveling, how cool would that be! Except for the part where everyone was looking to kill him for many years during the drought/famine, ya know.

To: My Originals, I love You

Isn't it ironic that the opening verse on my blog is about not complaining; yet, I do a lot of complaining on here. Granted it usually ends semi uplifting, but sometimes this is the main avenue I use to put down my inner most gripes that I have with life as we know it. It's no use to complain out loud because what is accomplished with these winey words? Usually nothing except successfully annoying the listener. Besides that didn't your mother tell you not to complain, mine did, pretty sure somewhere along the way. I even eat peas now, peas on toast I still do not prefer...probably not helped by the soggy toasted bread texture mixed with creamy pea soup...ugh, thanks mom for not fixing that one too often and for allowing me to eat peanut butter bread in times of peas on toast being served for dinner; you are the best.
Now where was I, oh yes, complaining. Contraindication except in times of broken heartedness which I am also experiencing now. Broken over the loss of time with my originals, three women who know me almost as best as I know myself. Three amazing ladies who always know how to get me riled up and put a smile on my face even when I'm in a complaining mood. Who else will go skinny dipping with you in probably 60* water or lead your teammates streaking around the bases on the first snow fall of the year? Who will wake you up in the middle of the night because they are sick and you will do the same to them just so someone else knows the pain you are experiencing? Only these amazing women are able to bring me to tears of joy and tears of laughter in a matter of seconds depending on the setting, the mood, the sangria at dinner, the stroll on the beach at night. I could type a novel of all our adventures together complete with pictures sitting on fences, wearing camo, dressed in spandex, and wrapped up in each others arms for the 10,000th time. Instead, I will silently shed a tear for each one tonight as we go about our respective lives in the snow, the rain, the warm evening in each respective part of the states. A tear not for friendship lost, but for friendship current and so strong that it will continue and give me the strength to make it until we meet again. I will settle for phone calls, emails, facebook pictures and voice mails to remind me of looks and sounds. I will always know what you are not telling me over the phone, but will wait until you are ready to share. I will pretend to be shocked when you tell me what I already know because I know you so well...or at least i like to think I do;) I will dry my eyes and enjoy the new and blessed friendships around me here, but have no fear I will rejoice all the more when you meet them and they meet you and most importantly, we meet each other again.
I thank my God every time I remember you, in all my prayers for each of you...

Trials

Consider it pure joy my brothers (sisters), whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
...
Blessed is the man (woman) who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.
James 1:2-4, 12

Acts 1:7-8 He said to them, "It is not for you to know the times or dates the Father has set by his own authority. But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth."

Witnesses for God. Witnesses while we are under trial, while we are persevering. God be huge. God be BIG. Not just BIG, BUT BIG BIG!
Be here at this hour while she sleeps, quiet her pain, heal her hurts.
Lord, answer the prayers of her heart.
Jesus, show her where you are leading her.
Father, give him the wisdom to lead.
Abba, let your children be held in your huge protective arms tonight, today, tomorrow as long as it is called tomorrow.
Yesu, give her compassion.
YHWH, we praise you for your works unseen.
Yesuah, thank you for granting the desires of our hearts.
Mungu, quiet the hurts of this world, open her heart to you again. Show them you are the way, the truth, and the light. You are THE WAY.
PapA, help us persevere.

desert

John preached on the desert places today.
Is it possible that you are not completely in the desert at one time, but rather parts of your life are desert and others are lush mountainsides? Can you really lead one life (not be schizo) and yet have so many facets that it just depends where you are, who your with, what the topic is...?
So, I feel like my whole life was the desert place about two months ago for a 3-4 month span 2/2 external factors: moving, changing, newness, etc
Now, no overarching desert experience, but I chose today to live in the desert for the afternoon. No noise, no people, just me and God, communing in the desert. Yes, sleep came, rest, peace, talking...thinking...being still.
I'm sad, tears are welling up as I think of the sweet peace and rest that I was allowed to experience today. The time for laying and just being, thank you God.
I miss people. I miss places. I miss experiences.
I am so happy to know new people. To visit new places. To have new experiences.
I am living in a glass case of emotion! * movie quote *
Conflicting yes, relevant, real...
*wipe the eyes, blow the nose*
I missed my friends' wedding...I love this couple. I was there to see God put them together and bless their relationship from day one. I was here, they were married there...the pictures are beautiful. You can look at them and see their love, their oneness before God. I remember the first time I met him, ya know, friends have to approve, though we all really know if she likes him so much our approval is really just for us to think we are that important, I mean come on she was already 'gone'; yet, she is great and acquiesced to our "importantness" and a group of us went salsa dancing. First time I'd experienced that...he danced with me, he also not knowing salsa...we were horrible together, yep, I approve! She found her French Bo. She loves the city life, he prefers country. They live downtown.
So happy, joyful, praising Jesus!
*smile, breathe through tight throat*
Yesterday I celebrated life, birth...it was a birthday party. I have new friends who shine with your love and life and live it out together in marriages and in singleness...at home and work and church and after church. We talked, we ate, we played silly games, we danced the night away, we laughed at ourselves and each other...you were there...you were honored with our words and actions and amazing dance moves!

Thank you Lord for the desert, for the lush mountainside. For the unknown and unexpected

No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him. 2 Corinthians 2:9

I miss The Original Four, well i miss three of them, but not complete until we are together again...
God what awesome reunion do you have planned for us in 2011? I pray for your blessings to pour upon us so that we are blessed beyond our wildest dreams with opportunity to meet and spend time with each other, with you.
In Jesus Name I pray from the desert, from the lush mountainside, maybe its from beside streams of still waters. You know where I am Lord, you will join me here...you will make yourself known wherever I am...thank you for that.

माय फ्रेंड इस मर्रिएद

Another one bites the dust...
make that two more bite the dust...
God, so excited right now for my friends: To be privy to see your hand of favor and blessing leading men and women who are sold out for you form relationships with the goal of a marriage union focused on serving you through loving each other and others...Wow! Awesome, awesome. So excited...so happy...so jealous...may I not covet my neighbors blessings, far be it from me to allow the devil to get a foothold, nay even a glimmer of any credit for casting a shadow on such happy occasion. Please come. Protect my heart and thoughts; may they only be of you and uplifting regarding my friends' happiness.

Lord, patience.

Waiting.

You have obviously had something to teach me here. I am so used to going, going, looking here, focused there. Four years and then I'll have this degree and get a job. Three years and then I'll be through the tough stuff and have a job. It's that time, I made it through the grueling education, came out on the other side burnt out and seeing hazily that there is life on the other side of a doctorate. Now I'm living it...I'm learning how to live from STG to STG (short term goal). It's all about the weeks, the months, no longer the years...years are too long to know what will happen next. If I would have thought at the beginning of last year "that at this time next year" I'd have a house, not just live in a house, but own a house, a dog, a kick a** job that is full of wonderful people and clients and that I'm able to say I have a church family and a routine. (am I allowed to use asterick words and church in the same sentence? yes I just did) These were things I longed for, that I silently prayed for in my heart, but not often admitted.

Why do i have such a hard time admitting out loud the desires of my heart?

I think part of it is that I want to leave room for God's will and screenplay to be acted out and not put my ideas into it and mess it up. (That clearly indicated I think my will will mess things up.) False, because if I am truly following Him, then he gives me His will as my will...I end up wanting what He wants for me...hard to grasp...I'm still learning there.

The other part is that I do not want to ask for things and get let down when they don't happen, or maybe it takes way too long, by my standards of course...patience child, patience. Thanks Michael for the whole sermon today on waiting and faithfully waiting and faithfully living life. Talk about God using you to speak. Lord you totally spoke. He hath spoken. I got it, I hear ya Lord, but o how hard it is to listen and apply...key word apply.

How do I actively wait?

Is it like active listening skills: nod, um-hum, summarize and repeat what you've heard
actively waiting skills: nod your head to the side like the classic 80's dance move as you stand on the side of the street catching the bus, give a little 'praise Jesus' for each little thing that you see or hear happening around you daily, repeat what He has put on my heart to say to you my friend or to her who stands beside me waiting for the bus, or he who works alongside me serving yet not knowing the true meaning of servanthood

I think so, I think we're onto something here...live life. Actively waiting. Actively waiting and living life for Jesus, as Jesus did His first 30 years on earth and even more His last 3 years on earth which we hear about. We can speculate on the first 30, but we know the last 3. We can emulate the first 30 by the fruit of the last 3. Oooo fruit, producing fruit. Little fig tree who has leaves, you better have some fruit. Fig tree if you are showing leaves out of season, you aren't gonna have any fruit. If you want to be a real fig tree you will bloom in season at the right time and fruit will grace your branches for others to see, for others to be blessed, and consume and you will replenish the branches with more fruit not by your own strength, but by the gift of the soil and water and nutrients given by the miracle of Nature a.k.a. God.
Get the picture?

I want to be a fruit producing person actively waiting and living life as Jesus did.

I want my amazing friends new and old to know they are an integral part of my life and I celebrate them and get excited with them for the changes in life. The unknown and waiting together, that's what it's about. The adventure. Who needs Zion to see the glory of our Creator. (Well, Zion is cool to visit and I love repelling and physically active adventure, but you get the point). I see Zion in you sister as your eyes sparkle with joy over this gift from God, this gift of two becoming one that you are starting to experience and will see come to fruition soon. I feel the thrill exuding from you brother as if you just summitted Mt Kilimanjaro (saw it from the air, with clouds below it's peak...awesome) and are breath-taken with the view. What a gift from God to experience those feelings, to be privy to watch you explore this unfamiliar territory as others have done before and will continue to do each person/couple as if it's the first time to cross the boundary waters. Which it is for each one as they come, even though millions have done it before, but I am convinced you cannot learn some things from the wise and learned. No, it's about the experience and so God allows it to be new and unlearned each time.

What an awesome God we serve! Thank you Jesus! Praise You Father! Reign down your blessings in increasing measure!
Amen