It's a new kind of tired when you move across the country, get ready to start a career job, have a new 4-legged creature to care for, and make a major life purchase such as a house. It's not the man, my body feel good and tired. Nor is it the wow, my brain has no more capacity and therefore I can't even function tired. No, it's somewhere in between there for I try to exercise to feel that familiar weariness of body...I even read a book and a journal to jump start the brain into similar paths. How does one describe it? More like a lost wandering aloneness sad tired that so many things in your life could change at once. Either way I know I'll get through it. Hey, I made it this far...survived what was quoted to be the hardest three years of my life. Now it's all gravy, right.? The jumble of emotions that visits this time of transition is even welcome as at least I get an outlet there for the undue stress I've subjected myself to. The soft fur and gentle nose that just wants to be petted without ceasing provides solace for a bit and I know with time I will let her into a special place in my life formerly occupied by other furry beasts who grew with me during my childhood years and saw me off to college. This one, she gets to see me off to work, share in the early mornings and walks to think out in nature (as much nature as one can find in city limits). Yeah, it's nice to have some constant, stability. I'm sure I'll soon long for another change after the 4 month period ends which would mark the longest in one place in the past year and some change. For now though I'm just tired. I sleep so the next day will come. I run and grease my bike for something to do to pass the time. I watch Gray's anatomy marathons to escape reality, but then find the tears still come only disguised as if because of some trauma or personal problem suffered by one of the many characters on the black flat screen.
It's really not that bad, I have been blessed a ton to know friends, family in Christ who is there for lunch, church, a dead car, a quick text, an invite to go out. It's in those times I forget I'm 1,460 miles away from my biological family and 1,300 miles away from my PT family(give or take thousands of miles depending on which state you ended up in.
God, what's your plan? The question of the ages.
Why here, why now, why me?
Why not.
Why a house? Who shall I serve? Whom shall I meet?
You'll see.
The blessings, the numerous opportunities to use my gifts to give to others. The fact that I have you here to prepare you for the next step, which is all a part of my plan, which is beautiful and I'm so excited to use you and form you some more and the end...ahhh...the end. It's a good ending...you'll see. - He says from his all knowing vantage point hovering over the expanse of time and space.
Okay God, Okay, here I am. help me. i am not strong enough on my own, i'm not brave enough. i don't trust enough. i don't know enough. you do You Are. Thank You.
