Reluctantly We Grieve

Reluctantly I compose this particular night's musings. My heart/mind has been full this week as God and I tread through these uncertain waters together. Uncertain to me though I feel not so much to Him.
Why do I dread to type away on such a topic as grief/death/dying? Self explanatory.

I start with a C.S. Lewis quote about the clash of grief and faith:
"The tortures occur. If they are unnecessary, then there is no God, or a bad one. If there is a good God, then these tortures are necessary for no even moderately good Being could possibly inflict or permit them if they weren't."

There you have it, a subject so grey that no good God would make us deal with it unless it was a necessity. Therefore, I feel it a bridge we all have to cross, literally and figuratively, and I choose to share as I wrestle with these feelings. Why would I share, other than I feel compelled to do so? Something about a chord of three strands is stronger than one...and I want to feel I do not venture out on a one strand chord. No; rather, whoever reads these words, their chord joins with mine and we are that much stronger along with the power of the Holy Spirit of course.

Where do we start? We cry, we stare in shock, we feel normal (denial), we get mad, we accept the facts. I don't know that you feel all these in each situation, or that you should. I refute the fact, with personal experience, that they happen in a certain order or at distinct intervals. My gut tells me a little part of each is tasted of with momentus or tragic events that happen in our own lives, or more likely those of others.
Something triggers the memory, someone comes to mind, and the wave of strong emotion overtakes us. Whether it is visible from the outside, or if you are like me and are good at hiding it 90% of the time when there is a chance that others are present then no-one but yourself (and Jesus) sees the autonomic effects that happen in the viscera of your stomach. Maybe you are a cryer, the tears flow like a spring Monsoon. No matter, it happens either way, the body reflects the feelings of the heart. There is some sign, whether acknowledged or not that accompanies the outpouring of a soul. Why do so many of us try to hide it? Why must our culture taboo such natural happenings?
No matter, one person knows it all. Jesus. He was here. Jesus wept. Jesus lost a friend to untimely death, Lazarus.

To quote Max Lucado:
"Q: What kind of God would put people through such agony? What kind of God would give you families and then ask you to leave them? What kind of God would give you friends and then ask you to say good-bye?
A: A God who knows that the deepest love is built not on passion or romance but on a common mission and sacrifice.
A: A God who knows that we are only pilgrims and that eternity is so close that any "Good-Bye" is in reality a "see you tomorrow"
A: A God who did it himself."

Jesus experienced it all; he knows the bad that comes with the good.
Jesus lost alot more than we will ever know to untimely death of the soul. No wonder we feel the call to pray, to intercede if you will for that certain one. Let's be glad we are not in any position to know the condition of the souls around us, for I feel no mere human could make it through an hour in this world with that knowledge. No, I know I could not survive with such intelligence.

In light of all this, I grieve on. I allow myself to dwell on the subject for a bit longer, though not too long or I would fear the transformation of my natual disposition. No, I will glean only what God has for me on this topic and will gladly move on to the next. I say Good-Bye, knowing I will see you later.

it's about that time

I'm feeling it...the itch to get out there and travel. It has officially been three weeks and two days since I made the journey to the gateway to the west. Not too long I realize, but I've been thinking. I love the country. I just need a day, maybe two, or three to get away. maybe it's not even the country, just to get to a spot where I can relax, like really relax without having this or that in the back of my mind.
HA! Good luck i think, technically we are in the end stages of a semester with Christmas break less than five weeks away. The end of this lap is near. I am ready to get back to the familiar. Realize now, that once this gets familiar I will be leaving...just last weekend I hit the "ahhh, I like it here." The people are transitioning from acquaintence to friend, the roads are not requiring maximal brain power to navigate (unless I'm going for a new place to visit).
God has been good. If I'm here for no other reason than so that He can teach me more about His goodness and faithfulness, then His goal is accomplished.
It's midterm week, the week of my first evaluation of myself by my CI and, well, myself.
In honor of this let's make a list, shall we, of all the things I'm learning...not related to PT necessarily, though unavoidably some might venture there.

The List
1. I like knowing and being known by others.
2. Relaxation is a relative term for each stage of life. This stage it is characterized by reading what I want to read, taking a bath on a cold day after a long run, and running/exploring with furry friends.
3. I am a runner at heart.
4. People over the age of 70 have lots of stories to tell.
5. God's family spans the globe and people are most beautiful when they let His light shine forth and bless others just by being open to others.
6. God placed my new friend, Mustang, in my life to teach me how I can be an awesome women of God even if I'm still single 10 years from now.
7. God opened my eyes to how He answered a prayer I prayed years ago. He said yes, I said, woah, why did I pray it like that:)
8. I love coloring with crayons.
9. You gotta teach the dog just who the "big dog" is.
10. Christian radio is not available everywhere.
11. Lists shouldn't be too long, then you just get overwhelmed:)

it's about that time
time to move on...to simplify. to take stock of what is really important in life. Does it matter what I have to wear, where I hang out at or who hangs out with me. If i get to talk to that person or know what's going on all the time. It's time to get rid of computers and telecommunications for awhile and escape into simplicity. Mind you, I greatly appreciate the opportunity I've had to stay in contact with those most dear to me. I would not have survived so well the first couple weeks without the gift of cell phone and email. But this too shall pass and I am considering when i can take a week, oh yes, whole week to turn off the phone, unplug the computer, grab a journal, Bible, hang out, relax, like we did back in the old days, trust someone will be there where and when they said, ask directions in person, etc. Don't worry folks this will not happen for at least another five weeks or so...hmmm...but I'm thinking now how this could unfold:)

I leave you, dear reader, with the prayer that God bless you and keep you, that He make His grace and peace wash over you in a flood and that you will let yourself be loved, truly loved by Him.

What’s with the Pants?

Okay for years it has escaped me the desire some people have to wear the tall socks or even the decorated ones. After entering the professional world where your dress pants are a hindrance to movement and you end up hiking them up so you can bend and twist and climb and guard, I get it. I understand the desire to wear funny socks b/c let’s face it, everyone is gonna see them, how they don’t match anyway, or your ankles; take your pick, might as well have some fun while we’re at it. In light of this revelation, I will no longer snub my nose at the pants that allow a peek at the ankles, but I’ll still be sure to point out the ever illusive kankles! Shout out to Team Kankles…that brings back the memories.

"Just follow the sultry sound of my voice" - Monsters Inc

Many of you know, if you have conversed with me in the wee hours of, well any time of the day, that my voice very easily gives me away. If I chat with you in the morning before I have had time to warm up the vocal cords on the drive or ride to start my day, then my voice tells of the sleep I just woke up from and they are a little rusty from the night’s sleep. On the opposite end of the spectrum, if we talk when my body is slowing down after a long day, then I sound quite similar to a man and it is imperative that I do not talk to anyone who could easily be confused or hard of hearing. Thinking of how my voice and inflections are a huge part of how I communicate and how others learn to understand me is a reflection on an earlier encounter I had this day. Sitting outside the Bread Co, minding my own business…soaking up the morning rays, reading, listening to a little Rob Bell, writing my thoughts down…all of a sudden I hear it, “Girloquilish”. If this is not familiar to you it is either because you are not a girl, or you have not yet had the definition of this new word I just created. Let me lay it down for you. Giloquilish is a language spoken by the majority of females of ages ranging from 12 – 22. It can be found among some a bit younger or even older than the listed ages, but for all intents and purposes it is most notable in the teen and early twenties. What is this language I speak of? For a direct encounter, please, sit around any gathering of these young gals and listen, one not need listen intently even for the decibel level is on average measured at an eight (on a ten point scale, ten being loudest). Things to observe as this language is used: voice inflections that resemble the ever popular “valley girl” and “prissy missy”, intonations that are ever dramatic, and life altering events in the form of “and then he ____” and “she said _____.” Now that we have established an understanding, I must admit I was a former speaker of Girloquilish. It is not something I am particularly proud of, but it was a stage in my life that helped form me and I look back and recant the error of my ways. I’ll take the manly sleepy voice any day over the girly dramatization that affected my middle school and part of my high school days. I will say the Girloquilish may fade away with age, life changing circumstances, and even maturation obtained through further education and jobs; however, a new language seems to plague the elder of our population of 20’s & 30’s. Yes, Childish talk is on a rise. When one finds that special someone, or a group of close friends who know you almost as well as anyone else could, then it happens. The low voice and sweet sound that flows from the tongue no matter the content of the words is heard far and near. Listen the next time The Originals get together for the yearly gathering; it will be there. Have you been around Jasmine lately as she greets her husband as he comes home from work; she knows it’s true. It is a blessing, it truly is to share the common language that expresses the deep love and commitment of years of knowing one another. I feel blessed to be able to say that I can speak multiple languages. I can pull out some Girloquilish if the situation arises. I speak fluent Childish and soon to be fluent Spanish as well.
For more information regarding this linguistics study just contact Dori; she will be happy to share.

Where have the days gone?

Wow, November is here. the leaves are mostly turned and starting to fall to the ground for optimal crunching as one walks along the sidewalks and roadways of St. Louis. The sunshine is pouring in the windows beckoning me to spend every possible moment soaking it up in anticipation of the many cold days to come. People running by are almost pulling me out there to join them, soon enough, after church you better believe I will be hurrying to catch up to them. On the other hand as I sit here in St. Louis Bread Co, or Panera, to all you people from every other area of the U.S., I cannot help but relay my mix of emotions. On one hand, I sit here alone, tap, tap, tapping away on my keyboard. I look out and see other people conversing, enjoying the company of their friend, significant other, or family. The cutest father son combo you've ever seen just vacated the seats to my right, pulling on their helmets for the ride home. I see the other people here with their computers or papers splayed out in front of them seemingly deep in thought. Seemingly because I possibly appear the same way, but this train of thought not so intense as I imagine others may be as they attempt to stuff information into the recesses of their brain to pull out later for an upcoming test or project. Either way, we sit here alone and I cannot feel bad because just yesterday I was one who was here as a part of a family. We sat and ate and talked and enjoyed the day all day long. We were walking and seeing and experiencing as much St. Louis originalness as three gals could fit into a day, or as far as their legs would allow them to walk, whichever came first. I dare say the walking was the limiting factor as we felt it for sure and the hottub was a welcome relief at the end of the day.
But the next day is the worst I spose as I go back to being the one alone with the city as my back yard. Hmm...oh the gratefulness I feel for the modern inventions of telephone, internet, free wireless to at least give the feeling of being connected no matter the miles between us. Oh the praise I give to God above for the body of Christ alive and well all around the world. As I prepare to go to church, I look forward to the interaction I will have with people who overflow with His light and love and will feel a part once again for a little bit of something bigger than myself. I will get to escape to a safe place where I can sit and soak it up. No worrying about the next step, just trying to be, just breathing. Living with His presence with every breath. YHWH with every breath i breathe b/c He is just that, the breath of life.